First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
What about a To-Don’t List?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!