Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
why isn’t he texting back
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.