said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics