dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!