[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

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Now what do I do?


Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.


An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.


The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again


I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.


DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor


If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.