Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
6. me as a lawyer
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
According to math, I’m broke
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?