Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring