*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
You Might Also Like
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.