WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
You Might Also Like
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
*watches the world burn*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend