GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?