[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.