[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

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BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.


Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.


Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*


Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem


[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing


The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.


[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce