[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.