BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce