@msdanifernandez

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

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@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

@coolauntV

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

@rebrafsim

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

@MarfSalvador

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

@mattgallo123

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce