*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Why I divorced her.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D