a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)