I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?