I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
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Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door