yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
You Might Also Like
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.