The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
one of
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you