*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it