I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I have many caverns
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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.