I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture