“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander