Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

fourth time’s the charm

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.