*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*mops up wine with cat*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?