Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I love you…

…r dog.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild