T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
a badder mouse
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)