Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
meow
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted