Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
the rocks need my help
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
i think both sides are to blame here
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”