The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords