maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
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Expect the unexporcupine.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
It’s an epidemic…
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible