maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
You Might Also Like
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?