the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal