Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.