It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!