First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
a public service announcement
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.