I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.