drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.