Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago