“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?