Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games