[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.