My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Jail
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.