Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You Might Also Like
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.