Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.