*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase