*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.