All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?