If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.