[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The funk soul brother
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast