There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
i hate you platonically
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.