i hate you platonically
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
japanese corn
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it