I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.


If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.


*puts finger over your lips*


*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*


I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.


He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.


My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often


“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police


waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes