I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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