Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I can fix him.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
“piles of health that is! LOL”
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.