@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

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@YesThatAmy

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

@Parentpains

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@Paxochka

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

@jwoodham

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

@felipetmedinaa

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.