@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

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@MomOnFire

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

@AimeeHelene1

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

@Lhlodder

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

@

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

@colleen_eileen

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

@Lisabug74

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

@clichedout

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes