Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
You Might Also Like
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.