I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
All generalizations are stupid.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep