When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
You Might Also Like
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?