Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
meanwhile over on facebook
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler