Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.